stockings

...the stockings were hung by the chimney with care...

time for ?

Putting myself out there a little bit, scary but here goes...

I said in an earlier post that I am at several crossroads in my life. One of these is deciding what I want to do with my time. Time...I have time to be ME, time to do what I WANT to do for a change instead of what I NEED to do. Who would think this would be so difficult. I have spent my life surviving one thing or another and I have spent my whole adult life taking care of my children. No more just surviving, now I have time to LIVE. What happens when it's finally time for me? I freeze. I doubt. I question.

In 1999 after my first marriage ended, I decided I wanted to be a graphic designer full time so I went back to school. A year later I got a job in a corporate office as the in house graphic designer. For the first time in my life I felt so grown up and LOVED my work. Hated the company but loved my clients (and they loved me). I loved my job so much that I could not wait to wake up the next day to go to work. Now that was a great feeling. I will admit, part of that was probably the euphoria of being out of a toxic marriage and on my own, but nonetheless, I loved my job.

So I did the graphic design thing for the next several years, different companies and on my own, but the same work. A couple of years ago I grew tired of always doing what the client wanted, I think having to design a logo with a bee wearing a cowboy hat was the breaking point. You know, they hire me because I know what I’m doing yet they don't want to listen to me. Plus I was tired of creating someone else’s (blurred) vision and ignoring my own creativity.

Restless and wanting a change I decided to fulfill a dream of becoming a Private Investigator. I know, cool, right? I got my PI license. It wasn’t easy. I felt a little out of place amongst the mostly portly middle-aged gun-toting men with the smelly offices, but I did find a kick-ass female PI to show me the ropes. I love the work. I am having a blast going on surveillance and snooping into people’s backgrounds. But this is serious business and these are people's lives I am looking into. I feel so unsure of what I am doing because I am just learning the business. And who am I to be a private investigator anyway? So I doubt myself.

Then I miss being creative and I want to write. I start writing my life story...and it's a doozy! It’s great therapy, but scary stuff is coming out of my keyboard onto that screen. Wow, did I really survive THAT??? Am I really that strong and self-sufficient??? Really? I cry as I type. Then I stop in my tracks. Because who wants to go there day after day, that’s a tough place to visit on a daily basis. (But this I will continue when I am ready because it's a story that needs to be told, if only for me.) I love to write, I wish I had enough talent to write…uh oh…self-doubt creeping in…I better stop.

Frozen in the tracks of my tears and my self-doubt, I go into Mommy mode. I clean the garage, I do all the laundry, I mop the floors, I bake and cook, I find guitar lessons, I shop for socks, I de-clutter seven closets. I look for someone to take care of. I need someone to take care of. Who can I take care of? K is in college, about to graduate, makes all her own decisions, and can budget money better than any accountant. B is almost 15, won't let me move his hair out of his eyes anymore, towers over me, makes great grades, and his room is cleaner than the rest of the house, plus he is on his way out the door to hang out with his friends. Where's Sugar, our basset hound? Surely she needs something…food, treat, tummy rub? Nope, she is flat on her back and snoring in the middle of our king size bed.

So what do I do? I get online and look at basset hound rescues. THAT’S it; I will adopt another stray dog. So, I find the most pathetic basset hound that happens to be sitting in our city’s animal shelter. His name is Hank. B and I get in the car and go to meet Hank and there he is, sitting quietly, quivering in his cage. He is 100 years old, and that's not in doggie years, he can barely see, AND he may have a "thyroid problem". OH, I know, I can adopt HIM! I can take care of Hank! Finally, someone who needs me. B and I decide to take the day to think it over while I call our vet to see what kind of care is required for a possible thyroid problem in an ancient basset hound. Later that day I call the shelter to say we want Hank, but alas, Hank is gone. No, he hasn’t crossed over the rainbow bridge, someone adopted him before I had the chance. They came in after us and took him home that day. I am happy for Hank. Shaky, blind Hank.

Looking back I can only say THANK GOODNESS. Not because I don’t want to give a needy dog a nice home. You see, it's a slippery slope here, am I looking for someone to take care of because there are people/dogs out there who need care OR am I looking for someone to take care of so I can continue avoiding the one person who needs my care the most...ME? You guessed it; it's the latter.

SO, here I am...don't want to design another tasteless project, unsure if I should be allowed to be a PI, not needed so much as a Mommy, can’t write through my tears and self-doubt, can only paint when inspired. But sometimes I want to design, investigate, mother, write, AND paint.

How do I choose? For the first time in my life I am in a safe, wonderful, loving place and I can finally do what I WANT and I have no idea what that is.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...

photo: holly berry bush in our front yard 12.2.2009

Today we had snow in Texas. Of course it was all melted by noon, but it was a nice surprise this morning. Something about snow seems magical to me. Part of it is the way it makes everything look shiny and new covered in white and part of it is that since we rarely get snow here it's like a special gift that is dropped down on us.

I love the snow and cold weather. I love soft snuggly sweaters, sassy knit hats, thick warm socks, and I LOVE scarves. I love lighting the fireplace and feeling safe and warm inside as the wind blows and the snow falls outside.

thankful

today i am thankful for...

my loving husband. a daughter who teaches me so much. a son who makes me laugh. two bonus daughters who show me unconditional love. a sister who gets me. new friends who encourage me. my husband's ex-wife - she is one of my favorite people...really. a safe home. time to be me. comfy sweaters. mango peach iced tea. blank canvases and paints to fill them. cool weather. charm bracelets. snuggly quilts. fluffy pillows. homemade rolls. a dog that gives me "high fives". dreams coming true. songs that get in my head. adventures to unknown places. yoga. starbucks venti white chocolate mocha. Sharpies. spiral notebooks. movies that make me cry. soft socks. pencils. my oldest daughter when we quote "I Love Lucy" together. faded jeans. inside jokes. sassy boots. song lyrics that make me think. poetry written by the insightful women of the Unearth retreat. ocean views. new beginnings. pajamas. art journals being filled.

Blogger Award!

I have been given a Kreative Blogger award from this fabulous woman. She is a sparkling soul sent from heaven to make my life a little brighter. Thank you so much Chrissy, and I loved reading your 7 things! (Go check out her BLOG, you will feel her energy just from her posts!)

There are some things you are asked to do if accept this award:

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.

2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.

3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.

4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting.

5. Nominate 7 Kreative Bloggers.

6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.

7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated.

So...here are 7 things about me:

1. I don't like to cook except when I make soup. I am the Soup Queen!

2. I am happiest when I am creating art with my hands.

3. I was never a dog person until we adopted our Basset Hound 4 years ago, now I ♥ dogs!

4. I am extremely claustrophobic! :(

5. I have 2 careers, I am a graphic designer and a private investigator licensed in the state of Texas (I have even been on surveillance.) :)

6. I secretly wish I were a writer. *sigh*

7. I ALWAYS have a song in my head. Always.

The following are blogs I ♥ and I nominate each and every one of them for the Kreative Blogger Award!

1. Giggling in the Rain

2. Pieces of Me

3. The Bumpy Life

4. The Camp

5. Vivienne

6. Elizabeth

7. Kelly Berkey Designs

To Write Love On Her Arms

this is a powerful movement.
it speaks to my heart and touches my soul in ways that is indescribable. please take time to visit here.

thank you to the ladies who brought this to my attention. ♥

i think i will leave this on until it fades on it's own...then i might just reapply since i like so much how it feels.

my art journal

my sister, who is a talented book maker, taught me how to make my own art journal about a month ago. yes, i made the actual BOOK. i am very proud of my journal.
i fill it with writing, doodles, paintings, collages, and memories.

it's a great way to journal. on days where i don't have a lot to say i just paint a picture or draw.

i have loved seeing it evolve over the past month and wanted to share it with you.

i ♥ my art journal!